Thursday, 26 March 2015

Those Two Little Words

People: What are those lumps in your pockets? What do you have in there?
Me: Baby mice, I'm looking for Cookie (farm cat) to feed them to him.
Me 2: Lemons, courgettes, random other vegetables and groceries.
Me 3: An amber brooch worth about £10K
Them: Of course you do!

My Aunt: It's raining here, be safe cycling over, are you wearing your waterproofs?
Me: I've got my shorts on.
My Aunt: Of course you have!

People: Why aren't you wearing shoes?
Me: I couldn't be bothered to put them on.
Them: Of course you couldn't!

People: What are you knitting?
Me: 50 egg cosies for my neighbour.
Me 2: A bra for a client's runway show.
Me 3: A pair of boxers for a friend to have a laugh with his Mrs.
Me 4: A giant bonsai cherry blossom tree.
Them: Of course you are!

People: What's that funny bump under your jumper?
Me: My hot water bottle.
Them: Of course it is!

People: Why are you wearing a bright orange dress and reindeer antlers?
Me: Because I'm going to my friends funeral.
Them: Of course you are!

People: Why are you lying on the floor under that desk?
Me: Because I was sleepy so I decided to have a nap.
Them: Of course you did!

Person: I don't think I've ever seen you wearing lip-gloss Rachel?
Me: It's not lip-gloss. It's German nappy rash cream.
Person: Of course it is!

People: Rachel, what are you doing?
Me: I got cold!
Person: So you decided to cook yourself? How long did it take for that idea to go from logical to bat-shit insane?


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